Wow... Highlight of my week was being able to go for sonicfest on thursday and friday. Let me just say for the record that I really enjoyed planet shakers. They were quite distracted by the quality of the sound, which to be fair, was not as good as it should be. The thing is, when I went back on friday, they sounded a lot better. Smoother and more rehearsed. I actually thought that I'd spent too much energy dancing and singing to planetshakers that I wouldn't have enough for sonicflood. But sonicflood were a different class totally. Their musicianship and skill were almost flawless. But the thing that really got me was Rick Heil's (Sonicflood frontman) ability to really worship. He was able to sing in the spirit with new songs. His testimony is an amazing one. You can read it here.
Padang duty has been a really boring time. I enjoy laying lines more than sitting on a bench for 12 hours. Just a bit more before National Day is over. The only thing I enjoy about the duty is the wonderful view of the fireworks that are displayed at 8pm...Just beautiful!
Sleep calls...
I got guard duty tomorrow. This situation really sucks. Its kinda too late to change now unless I pay someone to do it. Or if I 'force' my buddies to do it for me. But its not fair for them too.
Dear God, I pray that by tomorrow morning I'll be healed and refreshed. Thank you that sickness cannot stay in my body unless I allow it to. Thank you for your healing and your forgiveness in my life. Thank you for giving me the ability to carry out these pointless activities with joy. In Jesus' precious name, Amen!
Hmmm... I've fallen sick. I just got back from the doctor. I've got a 38.1 degree celcius temperature. Going back in tomorrow night.
I escaped going to the padang again this morning. Really felt kinda horrible when I woke up. But I thank God I don't have to waste my time there. Next week will be another opportunity to waste time though. I won tickets to the National Day Preview through a lucky draw. Don't think I will be going for it though. I have 2 options.
1) I can give the tickets to my brother and Yvette as a present.
2) I can sell them to a guy from my company.
I'm screwing up... again. I hate it when I'm wrong. Why is it that whenever an opportunity rises to screw up, I always take it? I still have a chance to make this right though.
I'm home!!! I shouldn't be but I am... I'm supposed to be at the padang today but I had a slight stumble yesterday during the battalion run so I don't have to go. Scraped my knee on the curb. I didn't fall so I continued running. I didn't notice the wound till after about 2km when I looked down and saw a bright red patch on my knee. I didn't stop till the halfway point of the run. Had to let the medic take a look at the wound. The funny thing is, I was supposed to be the last runner together with Jenson... And our role was to ensure the safety of the runners. (eg. No one falls and gets left behind.) How ironic.
And so this morning, I woke up pretty late. My knee was stiff. And I had a runny nose. Basically feeling kinda bad so I skipped breakfast and contemplated how I was to escape going to the padang. After much thought, I decided to report sick. But I was too lethargic to go to the medical centre till about 11am. (Its a 2km walk/limp!)
The medics who dressed my wound were strange/funny. There was this guy who was dressing a wound for the first time and this lao jiao (more experienced & senior) medic who was rating him. Then the lao jiao was like screaming, in a hilarious way, at the newbie because he was not doing it properly. I found it uncomfortably funny that they were discussing the wrong way of dressing a wound in front of me. Then the medic who tended to me yesterday walked in. And the lao jiao was scolding him for taking advice from a storeman on how to clean my wound yesterday.
I REALLY hope we don't go to war.
Here I am again... sitting in one of the offices in the supreme court building. Got called here for NDP at the last minute. Hopefully they will release us at 5 o'clock. Sigh... I miss home. At least they have internet here...
I went for bible study at The Rock in Suntec City yesterday. I had to rush down in a cab. The journey took like 45 minutes and i felt carsick because of the way the cabbie was driving... And the cost of the cab ride was $19.40... Insane. Hopefully I'll be able to leave camp earlier for next week's session. I loved the worship there. I miss having such wonderful worship. We used to have that kind of worship at our church. Maybe not as technically skilled as the musicians and vocalists at The Rock but it was there... I don't know what happened the past few weeks. Is it me or is it the bands? I just find that our worships are becoming more jarring.
Pastor Derek Prince was talking alot on the message of grace. About how we're the generation that will see the rapture. And about how the modern day church is not moving into the 'Holy of Holies'. (The place where the ark and the presence of God was residing in the temple of God) And about how we've simply remained in 'the Holy Place', which isn't a bad thing by the way, just that we've got so much more in store for us. One thing that got me thinking was what Pastor Prince said...
"Jesus died to rid us of sin-conciousness."
I always thought why we worship Him in the first place was because we know how sinful we are and how holy He is. And that He chose to love us anyway and take away our sins. Does that mean we know no more sin? Or we are no longer conscious or aware of sin?
Something to think about.....
I'm in the XS room right now... Waiting for either my parents or my brother to come pick me up. We're going to celebrate my brother's birthday at some chinese restaurant in commonwealth. I'm not a big fan of chinese food, but its not my birthday. Don't think it was dale's idea to eat there either.
This week in camp has been a unsettling one. I hate the feeling of uncertainty but there's nothing that we can do about it. Just have to use whatever time i have to relax. But there's always a threat that there might be last minute instructions for us to do something. So anyway, friday was the epitome of my whole week. We had to book out to go to the Padang at City Hall to help out. I ended up walking up and down the stretch of the padang to the 4 phone booths in between Raffles City Shopping Centre and Marina Square Shopping Centre. My feet hurt at the end of that day...
Which brings me to my next point. I'm tired & I need a break... A retreat to think things through. I miss the days where I could just run off to the airport or to plaza singapura, find a nice corner to sit, eat, listen to music, read, pray and write. The problem with being responsible is that you have to be responsible even though going away to recharge would allow you to do a better job. You can't just stop.
I have been pleasantly surprised by Joel last week. Its things like this that make it worth carrying on. Jean Francois also surprised me by messaging me to be his mentor. I need time to settle down first before I decide to. Its no good mentoring if my own life is in a mess.
::: Thought of the Day :::
Sometimes you have to do things even if you don't like it.
But sometimes you have to question the purpose and not do things blindly.
Ask smart questions and you'll be safe.
This week has been hectic. In a way that it stresses you to think of the upcoming exercises. Not to mention the various duties we have to perform every day as a Duty Sergeant (DS), or every month as a Company Orderly Sergeant (COS) or guard commander. It'll take me a little more time to get used to the lifestyle. It has privileges, no doubt, but I don't want to get extras for nothing.
If I was a singer-songwriter, this would be how I'd put it.
::: Song of the Day :::
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
I can’t say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon..
Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
| Damien Rice - Cannonball |
Hello... I got to stay out last night and I'm going back to camp soon. I was watching A Lot Like Love during my night's out yesterday and Da Kai called me saying that PC Shane needed photographs that were taken overseas. So I got to come home. They turned us out at 4:30am in the morning. It was quite an experience but spoilt by my stupid stomachache. UIP has officially ended for us. So the privileges like nights out and canteen breaks have started. But with it also comes responsibilities (read: Extras). They've posted me to the CCIS platoon which means I'll be spending more time in the labs instead of my bunk. Haha! But I think I'm gonna enjoy my life there. At least the superiors are less capricious.
I'd like to explore the possibilities but for now I must wait. Not by choice but what is a guy to do?
I'm booking at 1pm in the afternoon. To attend a funeral of a warrent officer that I do not know. I don't mean to be cold-hearted but doesn't he have his own friends? Whats the logic behind sending a platoon of men to fill up space? Then again, where's the logic of being in SAF?
The temptation to drop everything and 'run away' is increasing. Its been on the back of my mind alot lately. In the army, I can ride on reputation, and the power of the chevron or the 3 stripes as its known in SAF. Not that I do... But I can. However in church, a leader is defined by a very different standard. People can 'smell' if you're genuine or not. And to be honest... I don't think I've been very genuine these few weeks.
| You Are a Newborn Soul |
 On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others. You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative. Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter. You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything. You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships. Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
Life has been taking a few twists and turns lately. Things that are out of my control. It looks like I'll just have to keep proving myself. The question that pops to mind is, "Just how much do I have to convince you?"
Maybe it is a good thing.
Check out who's coming to SonicFest 2005!!! I wonder if I can take off to go! Haha!!
Here's something I wrote about UIP last week.
"When I arrived in 3 Signal Battalion more than a month ago, I was thinking to myself, “Here I am! After more than 8 months of trainee life, I’ve finally arrived at my unit.”
Boy, oh boy. How wrong I was. The Unit Induction Phase was still there waiting. Don’t get me wrong. I never thought that unit life would be slack. I just assumed that the days of being treated like dirt were over. After being in Basic Military Training, School of Infantry Specialists and Signal Institute (SI wasn’t that bad), I thought unit life would a more mature working experience.
The idea of having a Unit Induction Phase (read: tekan session) is a pretentious one at best. I find that there’s no actual useful purpose in holding these sessions. I would rather they incorporated it into a training program so that we can learn something more effectively. But of course, the answer that can always be shot back at me would be, “This is the army. Get used to it”.
My philosophy on army life would be to take everything in your stride without complaining or whining. If I wanted to complain about army, I would have had ample opportunities in the past 8 months to do so. I would try to look for the positive points in people or situations. I find that doing this keeps me sane.
An incident that comes to mind was when we had our first tekan session. A stand-by bed that was conducted by our Platoon Sergeant. He tried to wear us out with push-ups, shouting, change parades, field pack inspections, stand-by-beds and timings for every activity. But we came out the stronger. I'd like to think that we surprised them by how resilient we were. All the strenuous activity that they dished out at us could do was to make me smile at my bunkmates and encourage them by saying, "Is this the best they've got?"
I initially thought that my Platoon Sergeant was being a pain because he didn’t like the way I responded to his questions. Every time he talked to me it was as if I was his worst enemy. His words were full scorn and disdain. I was telling myself after that week that all I needed was one reason to respect him and I would. It turns out that he’s a lot nicer than I thought and he’s won my respect. The reason why he talked to me in that way was because of the way I seemed to react to his instructions. He probably mistook me not understanding his questions and failing to answer them for disrespect.
The only thing that is getting me down is having athlete’s foot and a rash on my hands. I think its called eczema. I think its because of the amount of dust in my bunk. Even with the countless area cleaning that we do, it still doesn’t seem to help my problem. Its very much cleaner than when we first stepped foot into 3rd Signal Battalion but I don’t know why my rash is not going away.
Honestly, I like this place. I find that the people are nice and pleasant to work with. Its just that the Unit Induction Phase is too long. Its purpose could have been achieved already. I feel that its being dragged on just for sake of doing so. I’m trying my best but I can feel the morale dropping.
Sometimes I worry about the physical condition of our men as well. Some of them haven’t been conditioned to this sort of treatment like we have. I find that the specialist are able to take it because of the extra 3 months we had in SISPEC but the men are straight out from BMT and SI. Just hope that we’ll be able to take good care of them and prevent them from falling out.
In conclusion to my thoughts on UIP, I would think that it has already served its purpose. Although tying it together with our training would make it more meaningful. Also, the duration of UIP could be shortened to a month. It isn’t the lack of privileges that bother me. I would rather that we be treated normally."
| 3SG DARYL GOH TIZHI |
I crave the weekends. This is similar to SISPEC except that its not as packed. I ran 6km on tuesday, soccer on tuesday night, ran SOC 4 times clean fatigue but with pushups in between every obstacle on thursday, 5km battalion run on friday. And always the increasing fear of turn outs and tekan sessions. It doesn't help that my bunkmates are always talking about our instructors and how unfair things are and how as sergeants we should have to be treated like that anymore. But I always say army is army. I try to get them to cheer up and stop complaining and sometimes it helps, but if it doesn't I just have to retreat to my corner of the bunk and put on my earphones.
Soon I'll be posted to one of 2 platoons. One will be dealing with computers but with longer peace-time days and the other will be dealing with lines and telephones and have strenuous days only on exercises... I don't like to make decisions like these... I'd rather let God decide cos the decisions I make almost always turns out to be the wrong one.
::: Song of the Day :::
My heart is captivated Lord, by You alone
captured by the awesomeness of You alone
melted by the grace and mercy You have shown
I stand in wonder
I reach to you the one who make the blind eyes see
who breaks the chains of sickness with authority
restoring of what was broken
so it may fly again
I live to worship you
I breathe to worship to you
all of my days, your face I'll seek
For as I worship you
You lead me to that place
To that place of divine exchange
| hillsong united - divine exchange |
What a week!! I just got out from a week of 'tekan'-ing in camp. Ok maybe it wasn't the whole week but it was really tiring. They tried to wear us out with push-ups, shouting, change parades, field pack inspections, stand-by-beds and timings for every activity. 5 hours of that at one go. But we came out the stronger. I'd like to think that we surprised them by how resilient we were. All the strenuous activity that they dished out at us could do was to make me smile at my bunkmates and say to them, "Is this the best they've got?"
The only thing thats getting me down is having athelete's foot and a slight rash on my hands. I think its because of the amount of dust in my bunk. Its very much cleaner than when we first stepped foot into 3rd Signal Battalion but I dunno why its not going away. I'm trusting God for my complete healing though.
The only downside to my week was the fact that I swore at my bunkmate after the whole 'tekan' session. It was like the first time that I intentionally swore at someone in about 5 years. He's the type of guy who can really get on your nerves. The kind who needs attention. He's a big guy who acts like a little kid, which makes it hard to take him seriously sometimes. Especially when he acts like an absolute fool in front of our men. Anyway, nothing justifies me having to resort to that so I really regret saying what I did. I felt really tired immediately after. As if I was winded after a long run. I was really disappointed in myself... Especially after Patricia just spoke to us about walking in love 2 weeks ago. Gotta try harder!
Booking in... My Platoon Commander told me that this week would be the start of a tough month. Dear Lord, I know that I can retreat to you and rest in you. I'm reminded by the verse that Amos shared with the cell a couple of weeks ago. "What can men do to me?"
I will not forget how He comforted me and refreshed me in SISPEC. I will not be brought down. I will not have fear planted within me.
::: Verse of the Day :::
Listen to Me, you who know righteousness, You people in whose heart is My law: Do not fear the reproach of men, Nor be afraid of their insults.
| Isaiah 51:7 |
My media player was keeping boredom at bay the last 3 days but on thursday morning I realised that I couldn't charge the player. I couldn't figure out why either. But it was sort of a good thing as it gave me more time to read the bible and 'the rest of your life'. And so I headed down to Creative Center at Jurong East when I booked out. Took me about half an hour to find the place cos I dropped from the bus 2 stops too early. So anyway, after waiting close to an hour for my turn, the guy figured out that there was a problem with the set itself and not the charger. And then he gave me a new set. Just like that. A brand new media player. But all the data is gone. Just too bad.
Just a random thought... I'd like to have a choice. I'd like to be able to say no.
| Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover |
 You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is. |
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
| Colossians 2:6-7 |
I know you love me despite my flaws but I don't want to live like this anymore. Because it displeases you. And it displeases me too. I've tried ways & means to live right & to at least give up a few bad habits. But it seems to get worse instead of better. So now, I'll consider something a little more drastic. I'm considering a ban from all visual media except written media and movie outings. There is a word to describe how I feel... "Wretched"
Why? Because thats what I am now. By doing relatively well in army, I have become complacent, thinking that my life, being run on my own terms, has some sort of worth. But there isn't. Because I've gotten where I am through favour. Not because I'm smart, fit or good looking. I'm not. I'm just blessed with favour and grace. And I've gotta stop taking it for granted.
The Keys to Your Heart |
| You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. |
| In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. |
| You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
| You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
| Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
| Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
| You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
| In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted. |
New unit, new environment, new bunk (I'll complain about it later on), new superiors. I don't really like change but thats life you know? I've got to go through another month of trainee life before I can spread out my 'specialist wings' and glide towards ORD. I'm going for my ATP shoot (live firing) on thursday and friday. 2 whole days under a training shed with a hundred smelly soldiers and my rifle. I'm not going to put my hopes up on getting the marksman badge. Not when I need new glasses.
I've been wanting to spend time with God praying recently but I'm always rushing it. I getting distracted alot constantly. My mind is always wandering.
Was talking to Elissa on the phone and it sort of made me understand the different thresholds, values and expectations that different people have. So what seems alright to me may actually be getting on someone else's nerves. But my standard is based on what the bible says (or at least I try). Come to think of it, I need to have a getaway soon. Time to refocus... My destination is still the same, but I'm definitely not in the right state. I might not get there if I stay like this.
::: Song of the Day :::
The more I seek You, the more I find You
the more I find You, the more I love You
I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming
| glorious - the more i seek you |
Sometimes you just have to be the one who gets things started. Its not that you have to do everything yourself. But people, being people, will naturally laze around until the see someone else doing a job. And because they don't want you to mess it up, or they think that they can do a better job, they finally get up and do something about it. However there is one question I want to ask.
Does it mean that everything that you did up to the point they took over was a waste of time and effort?
I would like to think that the answer would be a solid 'NO'. But many people would think that since none of my 'ideas' or 'contributions' were actually used, it would mean that I did not do any work. Similar to the scientific idea that if there is no change or reaction, no work has been done. But I could also say that I was the one that sparked off proper discussions and got the group moving and planning. Oh well..
| -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- | |
| What am I? One who sets his words Into proper structure Fearful to let it tumble out But out it tumbles anyway What can you do? You were sitting, oh so pretty And I asked, As if I needed an answer "Can I kiss you?" I should have kissed you The way I used to The way you liked it But instead, it was tense Like the first time Desire longing to be put into action But you were quiet With your porcelain mask inviting as always How could I turn it down? It would have been rude And so insensitive You always needed to be adored | I feel responsible Because I was the first Did I transform you? Did I tempt you And whet your appetite for more? I gave you a drug And you wanted another hit Thats the way you were Impulsive Emotional Dynamic You were my outward expression You were like me Unrestricted Carefree Careless So I try to fill that vacuum With every thing imaginable I feel like I missed the prize Could I try again? I did I failed |
| -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- | |
Its been such a long week and I'm really enjoying being home. Its gonna be another time of adjustments again as I'm posted to 3 Signals Battalion. My warrant Officer tells me its an active Battalion, which means the unit could be activated to go for an overseas exercise the moment we step into the premises. But I probably won't have to. We will most likely be taking part in the National Day Parade in August though.
But my posting isn't what is on my mind right now. I had my hopes raised and dropped back down into the hard ground in the space of two days. I just found out that I was in the top 5 on thursday and that I had a good chance of getting an award, one of the three bayonets, 1 golden and 2 silver. But when the rankings were announced today, I was holding my breath, figuratively, from the 36th all the way to the top ten. And my dreams of a first award in NS were shattered when I was announced as 4th in the platoon. 1 place shy of an award. I was kinda moody from the time I heard the news. But I guess I've got nothing to complain about. I did well. I didn't push myself VERY hard and I got 4th. You could say I was just cruising along. I wasn't even aiming for a top 10 placing in the first place so I shouldn't be upset at all.
This week was spent mostly sleeping, revising for the tests, having the tests, playing soccer and practicing my songs for the end-of-course celebration. I was also selected to be the spokesman for the platoon during the celebration. I had 3 consecutive nights out this week. And I found out that I've gotten my $200 bonus for my IPPT gold. So I'm pretty contented with whats happened this week. It started off rather well too with the soccer match with Riverlife ending 3-3 last sunday.
I forgot to bring my boots to the match so I was playing without studs and slipping all over the place. Riverlife were nowhere as good as the nepalese team that trashed us but it was still a challenging game. But I still found it surprising that I could control the team. Especially since I was playing as striker with Liwei. Plus the fact that we had only 10 men for the game. We had to borrow one player from riverlife. We started off with our usual game, flustered and panicky. But started to control the pace after awhile. I felt free to play my game because Dennis was making the tactical decisions that day and I was only looking out for technical improvements.
Our first goal came from a set-piece. Joel directed the freekick towards me and I directed my header towards the goal. Honestly, I didn't expect the ball to fall into the back of the net. 1-0 up.
I wanted to slow the game down after that but the rest of the players seemed to have that extra burst of energy so I didn't enforce it. Riverlife were becoming more aggressive because they couldn't deal with our pace. Or rather, Nathan's pace. And they brought him down in desperation inside the penalty area. Yellow Card! Nathan would have been clear on goal otherwise. So Joel steps up to take the penalty and I tell him to forget the power fearing that he would just blast it and miss it. So I said, "PLACE IT!"
Thats when he goes and places it low and with a lot of power. The trouble is, its straight at the keeper. Fortunately it was too strong to catch and Joel taps in the rebound. 2-0 up!!!
Halftime passes by quickly and we proceed to face a Riverlife side with a different style altogether. They exploited our leftback, Thomson's lack of pace as well as our lack of stamina, cut the deficit, equalised and took the lead in the space of about half an hour. Fortunately Jean F. managed to score a last minute goal from the left, just outside the penalty area. I'm just glad we scored as many as we did. Hopefully, we're playing with the right players in the right position. I think Joel and Gerald did especially well as central defender and keeper respectively. Our midfield was a little weak today. No one to help Dennis in the center of the field. Oh well... I think I'll be taking a break from soccer for awhile. Musn't tire myself out too much.
